


Of fucking course this fucker bites.

by seijohs_biceps



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chihuahuas, Crack, Iwaizumi has a really bad mouth, Kissing, M/M, Strong Language, cussing-lots of it, cynophobia(?), literally just crack there's nothing else in here, rip hajime in general tbh, rip hajime's coffee, uhh dog bite?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:26:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29907297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seijohs_biceps/pseuds/seijohs_biceps
Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime has made many mistakes in his life, but agreeing to stay at Oikawa's apartment during his time in Argentina was certainly the gravest.Because, Oikawa had a dog.And Hajime is irrationally mortified of dogs.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	Of fucking course this fucker bites.

**Author's Note:**

> when you put three sleep deprived iwaoists together what do you get? unfiltered crack!
> 
> credits to emma and jules for contributing to the brainrot that led to this,, i don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Iwaizumi Hajime has made many mistakes in his life, but agreeing to stay at Oikawa's apartment during his time in Argentina was certainly the gravest.

Hajime should have known. He should have figured out the faint smirk in Oikawa's voice as he offered to let him stay at his place didn't mean anything good. He should have realized Oikawa always stepping out to the balcony to take his calls meant something suspicious. He had known Oikawa for all his life, he really should have put two and two together.

But he didn't, and now it was time to pay for his carelessness.

It started way before Iwaizumi actually met the demon. It actually started on the taxi back home from the airport, when Iwaizumi spotted a labrador in the car next to them. The dog was a beautiful shade of gold, it's coat brushed clean. Even from the distance and with two car windows between them, Hajime could tell it was well trained, well behaved, and that there was nothing for him to be scared of.

And yet, Hajime scooted just a centimetre closer to Oikawa, almost subconsciously. In his defence, he was simply scooting away from the window and Oikawa just happened to be sitting next to him.

But of course, Oikawa wouldn't let him use that defense. 

"Aww, is my Iwa-chan scared?" He asked, trying to suppress a smirk so obvious Hajime didn't know why he was even trying.

"No," he lied, "go back to scrolling through instagram."

"I really thought you would grow out of your fear by now, Iwa-chan. I almost feel sorry for you."

A little side note from future Hajime: This is where he should have gotten suspicious for real, because why else would Oikawa feel sorry for him unless he knew he was about to make Hajime's life a living hell?

The rest of the ride was more or less uneventful, but not for Oikawa's lack of trying. Hajime pretended not to notice the excessive amount of dog posts suddenly clogging Oikawa's instagram feed, nor his subtle smirk, and definitely not the glance Oikawa would throw at him everytime he liked one of those goddamn posts.

And then, Hajime watched with suspicion as Oikawa's smirk grew to a dirty grin.

"What's that look for?" He asked as they pulled up in front of the apartment.

Oikawa, the absolute fucker, simply smiled wider, "What look?"

"You look like you put a fart pillow on Kageyama's chair."

"Iwa-chan, I could never! Do you really think that low of me?"

"Yes." 

"How mean, Iwa-chan. I'm not in middle school anymore!"

"Well then spit it out. What did you do."

Oikawa's smirk grew impossibly wider. Hajime would kiss it off if it didn't have that malicious glint which matched the sunlight reflecting off his keys. "You'll see."

Hajime heard it before he saw it. 

He had climbed an agonising amount of stairs up Oikawa's apartment building because for some godforsaken reason his boyfriend had decided to live in a building without elevators. On the fourth floor. Sure, Hajime was an athlete, but thirteen hours in an airplane tended to sap one's energy. 

Oikawa gracefully offered to make up for this with a kiss, and Hajime took him up on that offer almost instantly. Slotting their lips together in Oikawa's doorway before either of them had even taken off their shoes was a little impatient, sure, but Hajime had waited seven long months. He wasn't going to wait any more.

The kiss wasn't quick or shallow, but it ended far too soon. Hajime was itching to get his hands on his boyfriend, even more so after their mini makeout session just now. 

"In time, Hajime," Oikawa laughed, and pecked him one last time on the nose. "But first, water?"

Hajime was almost disappointed, but he was also very dehydrated. Guess the kissing would have to wait after all. "Yes please."

"On it," Oikawa nodded and gestured towards the couch, "make yourself at home. I'll go start coffee while I'm at it."

Side note from future Hajime part 2: He was probably too tired or horny to notice the quick snap of fingers Oikawa did as he walked through the door, or the filthy look in his eyes when he told Hajime to sit on the couch. Hell, he didn't even notice the scratch marks on the upholstery.

In hindsight, he really, really should have noticed.

Because just as he plopped down on the couch (probably with too much force but hey he was tired), he heard it. A demonic noise, too loud and loathsome to be a bark. And then came the pain in quick succession- a sharp sting right above his ankle, increasing in magnitude by the second. The area throbbed and Iwaizumi had barely registered the slick wetness of his leg when-

When he saw it. 

He almost didn't, considering the demon was barely six inches tall, perfectly camouflaged with Oikawa's white and brown sofa. 

A chihuahua.

Except he did, at horribly close quarters. He watched with frozen terror as the barely there ball of fur(y) jumped up and on the couch, claws digging new marks into the leather as he climbed up Hajime's thigh and stopped with one paw hooked into his shirt, right above the belly button.

And then he barked again, a low growl followed by a sound that should have been impossible for a fucking chihuahua to create. It made Hajime jump, and he shot to his feet, completely ignoring the pulse in his ankle and the demon dog tumbling to the carpet. 

In the time it took for the creature to regain balance, Hajime was already halfway into the kitchen, panting and finally taking inventory of his ankle. It fucking /hurt/.

"What the /fuck/, Shittykawa!?" He glared at his boyfriend, who had the /audacity/ to blink at him innocently, sipping coffee casually as if he hadn't forgotten to mention that he has a fucking /dog/.

"What- Oh, it seems you met Booger already. I was going to introduce you two myself!"

Hold on. What.

"What-" Hajime wasn't sure if he had heard correctly, "what did you say it's name i-"

/Bark/. 

Right behind Hajime.

He turned around slowly, scrambling backwards and walking into Oikawa. Drops of coffee splattered onto his shirt, but he didn't exactly have the time to care. He stumbled into all four chairs around Oikawa's kitchen table before reaching the other end, opposite the demon dog, although he doubted it would stop it's offence.

"Ah- careful, Iwa-chan! He bites." Oikawa decides to add fashionably late, still sipping coffee like his boyfriend wasn't about to get assaulted. Hajime would break that damn mug later. 

Of fucking course this fucker bites.

"I /know/," Hajime lets out a growl of his own, and the dog seemed to take offense because it barked again. Hajime should have been used to the demonic noise by now, but it still made him flinch. "Calm your fucking dog," he spat without looking at Oikawa. Hajime was pretty sure if he broke eye contact with the thing it will attack again. Oikawa, however, showed no signs of acknowledging him.

"He's just being friendly, Iwa-chan," he cooed instead, and to punctuate his point the dog growled and shifted on his hind legs into battle stance. Friendly indeed.

"Oikawa."

"What?"

"/Oikawa/."

"Fine, fine, Iwa-chan. Just because I love you," Oikawa set his mug aside with a sigh and got on his knees, clapping once and then opening his arms, "Boo, hey, cmere!"

And the dog did- abandoning it's threatening stance to bound up to his owner and jump into his arms- Oikawa cradling it like a child. "See?" he turned to Hajime, rubbing its belly and holding it out towards him, "He's cute, isn't he?"

Hajime didn't make any move to pet or even touch the dog, but his eyes fixed on it. He was convinced that the second he looked away, it would attack. A few seconds passed and no attack happened. Hajime allowed himself to look away, at Oikawa. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, the pain in his ankle was catching up.

"That fucker bit me."

Oikawa /snickered/. "Good boy," he patted the little demon in his arms.

Now that was something Hajime wasn't going to tolerate. Biting him was one thing, but the fucker was stealing sympathy now? "Good boy? Seriously? It /bit/ me, Tooru. You didn't even tell me you have a dog!"

"You should be glad he didn't tear off your clothes, Iwa-chan. Ask Makki. Besides, you know how scary you are."

"Are you really not concerned that it bit me?"

Oikawa scoffed. "Please, Iwa-chan, He's not even seven inches tall. And you're an athlete, for god's sake," Oikawa set the thing down on the counter and pulled out a box of what looked like dog treats, "And stop calling him 'it'. Respect pronouns, Iwa-chan. Maybe that's why he bit you."

Hajime watched Oikawa feed the dog a treat from the box. He was not jealous of a six inch chihuahua. He was /not/. 

"Fuck off," he pulled a chair to sit, rubbing at his ankle. It was beginning to bruise. "You didn't even /tell/ me. You know I hate dogs."

"You mean you're scared of them," Oikawa hummed and fed another treat to the dog. "I wanted to surprise you, Iwa-chan! I thought you wouldn't be scared of Booger because he's so tiny and cute. Just look at him!" And he pet the dog again, the latter nuzzling into his palm like it wasn't prepared to bite Hajime's head off a second ago.

"And what the fuck is it's name- Booger? Really? That's the best you could do?"

The dog- /Booger/ seemed to perk up at it's name, but Oikawa's hand seemed to be a calming influence, because it settled for passively glaring at Hajime.

"Wanna know his full name? Booger Iwaizumi Oikawa. Isn't that cute? I included everybody!"

"I don't want to be associated with it- with /him/ in any shape or form."

"Iwa-chan! Booger's gonna feel hurt. He reminds me so much of you, and I gave him your name, and you treat him like this? What did he do to you, huh?"

Hajime couldn't believe he was really having this conversation. This whole thing was ridiculous, that dog was ridiculous, it's name was ridiculous, Oikawa was ridiculous for favouring that thing over Hajime, and Hajime was ridiculous for not walking out the door and never stepping foot inside this apartment again.

"What did he /do/? He bit me, Oikawa. It fucking bit me before I even saw him. Look at him right now. It hates me."

Oikawa seemed to consider that. "Maybe because he saw you eat his master."

What-

"When the fuck did i try to eat you-"

Oikawa snorted. He took his time to put the dog on the ground and pat him lovingly. The dog, after wagging it's tail at Oikawa, growled at Iwaizumi one last time before bounding out of the kitchen.

"Well you did kiss me. And look at him, the poor thing probably interpreted as you trying to, you know, eat me."

"/Poor thing/?? That fucking gremlin is not the poor one among us and you /know/ that."

"Awhh, are you jealous, Iwa-chan?"

"I'm /not/. How do you even know that, anyway? You're a dog expert now or what?"

"It's something I read online," Oikawa shrugged, "My baby is just trying to protect me, Iwa-chan. Don't be so harsh on him."

/My baby?/ Hajime was offended. "So I can't even kiss my boyfriend now? Because his dog thinks I'm a threat?"

"Guess so," Oikawa shrugged again. "Maybe if you get along with him he'll let you. "

Hajime pushed back his chair. It scraped against the wooden flooring. 

"Fuck that. I'll kiss you whenever I want." He walked over to Oikawa who was reheating his coffee. He'll have to reheat it again. "I haven't kissed you in /months/, Tooru. To hell with your fucking dog." And then he pressed their lips together, and god it felt so good, to finally kiss Tooru like he meant it. After spending months looking at his lips from behind a screen it felt like heaven, but also like hell, the sweet burn of wanting more and never being satisfied lingering at his fingertips.

He could do this forever, Hajime thought, even if that dog-

/Bark/.

Oh fuck.

Hajime winced and bit his own lip as he pulled back, only to be greeted by the dog, glaring at Hajime as if he was guilty of multiple war crimes against its family. And with the fading sunlight barely imparting any light to it's unnervingly still figure except for its eyes it really did look like a demon, one that was going to haunt Hajime's dreams for months. 

As soon as he stepped a foot away from Oikawa the gremlin moved, and in a blink it was upon Iwaizumi, ready to take another juicy bite out of his intact ankle. 

Not so fucking fast, Hajime thought. And then, he ran for his life.

Thirty minutes later Hajime had made two discoveries:

A, the kitchen counter is the only place that dog doesn't have unaided access to

and B, chihuahuas have endless energy.

Actually, there was a third discovery too, but Hajime was too prideful to admit it: Chihuahua claws were perfectly capable of tearing through thick cotton and they /hurt/. Their bites hurt more. 

And amongst these was a single statement burning through Hajime's head, one that had always been true but was really speaking to him now: he really fucking hated dogs.

The mug lay discarded on top of the microwave, coffee long gone cold and forgotten. Hajime was sprawled on the counter, panting, one arm covering his eyes and the other across his belly- because letting it hang off the counter was too much of a risk. 

/I'll kill that dog someday/, he thought, and almost as if on cue there came an all too familiar yapping from somewhere below the counter. Hajime didn't even have the energy left to flinch. Somewhere at the kitchen table Oikawa was laughing, and he wasn't even making an effort to hide it.

"I guess he really does hate you, Iwa-chan," He finally said after having his fill of laughing at Hajime's misery, "Like i said, I almost feel sorry."

"Why did you choose a chihuahua of all dogs," Hajime was really too tired to ask anything else, but he did want to know what exactly had led his boyfriend to choose the most aggressive species of dogs possible even after he knew Hajime was scared of dogs.

"He reminded me of you," came Oikawa's answer, and even though Hajime wasn't looking at him he could imagine the exact expression on his face as Hajime groaned in response, "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cockblock myself. Or bark at anything that moves within a five metre radius."

"Do you want me to list the similarities between you two then?"

"No."

"How long before you finally decide to warm up to him?"

"I'm never interacting with him again."

"You know he won't let you kiss me until-"

"He can't stop me if I'm not in this fucking house."

"What if i bring him around? He's small enough to fit in my bag."

"I'm breaking up with you."

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> so anyways stan Booger Iwaizumi Oikawa


End file.
